It’s all about the chicks – a commute on dublin bus

It’s your typical evening in Dublin city centre and commuters are streaming along the roads in all directions. A significant proportion will commute home with Dublin Bus. Crowds congregate at bus stops and then disperse off into the waiting buses which trundle off to their ultimate destinations. As usual, calculating the best mode of transport home involves complex equations taking into account the route each bus will take, the traffic at this time of the day, and the estimated number of passengers each bus will be filled with by the time it leaves. It’s often the case that a much earlier bus deposits its final passengers after the later bus is already on its way back into town. This leads to the surprise effect where you round the corner and find yourself facing someone who got on a bus 30 minutes ahead of you, but is only just walking into the estate from the opposite direction, looking equally puzzled (and disgruntled) at your appearance.

Today we opt to leave the early bus go on its way packed to the gills, and hop on the slightly later bus that will leave just behind it. This gives the advantage of a lot more space as we start the long journey home. As usual there are a couple of people dotted around the bus who are engaging in rather loud conversations which can be irritating at the end of a long day. Time to put on headphones and tune out. We seat ourselves at the front of the bus where across from us a pair of men are having a long and boring discussion about their commutes to work. The bus takes off and people settle in for the long haul, making sure they’re securely seated as we hit the first of what will be many potholes at high speed. The bus swerves sharply around corners almost dumping a few people off their seats each time.

We leave the city centre behind and start to head out into the suburbs of Dublin. Seats nearby are suddenly filled with a group of guys who are obviously on their way to a party somewhere. I turn up the volume on the music I’m listening to but it has little effect.  The ringleader of the group is an excessively loud man whose voice is raised loud enough to dominate the entire bus as he regales his entourage with amazing stories of his feats and adventures. As he gets warmed up, all other conversation rapidly comes to a halt and a pained expression appears on most faces. For at least thirty minutes every passenger is unwillingly captive to some of the most idiotic and filthy tales I’ve ever heard at such volume in a public place.

“Chicks, chicks!” he keeps shouting, as if that will magically rustle up some admiring women that will swoon over him. Whether it’s at the sight of some random billboard displaying scantily clad over-sexed women, or the female passengers in a fancy car that happens to be travelling ahead on the road for a space – we’re all privy to his opinions of these chicks. I’m pretty sure we’re also all highly tempted to share our opinions of him.  I guess like attracts like when it comes to stupidity though – for some reason his ‘friends’ actually seem content to listen as his stories become more and more implausible by the minute.

He’s over in London at some random photo shoot. And of course the model is merrily dispensing with her clothing. She has some sunburn “and as it happens, someone had just tossed me a tube of sun lotion!”  “No!  They didn’t… really?!”.  His thrilled buddies are almost as excited as he is at the thought of applying some lotion to a random woman’s shoulders and listen in awe – even though that seems to be about the sum of the debauchery he actually managed to get up to despite the build up.

Finally the torture ends as the bus reaches the stop the group has been waiting for. They slowly tumble down the stairs and off the bus. Everyone on the left-hand side cranes their necks and shakes their heads in disbelief at the state of the wannabe Lothario unsteadily leading his posse off. The sudden silence in the vacuum of his departure is blissful and is gradually filled once more by the buzz of normal background conversation as the bus returns to its usual state. The two guys that had been sitting right in front of him for the full surround-sound effect burst into convulsions of laughter that keep them shaking on their seats for the rest of the trip. I wonder aloud how long it’ll take that guy to clear the entire house at the party he’s going to. Not long seems to be the general consensus.

I’ll say one thing for commuting with Dublin Bus – you’re rarely short of entertainment…